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May 19, 2006



Lilly, I have been where you are. We had a very hard time getting pregnant with our first two children, but we were done after that. Our third child was a total surprise.

I went through so many emotions and fears at having an unplanned pregnancy -- a lot of them emotions that I thought I would regret having had once the baby was here. I was surprised at how incredibly stressful it was. I had had to go through infertility treatment for my first two children -- surely I should be overjoyed to have gotten pregnant again so easily. But I wasn't, because I didn't *want* to be pregnant -- and that's where the crucial difference is.

I look at my 6 month-old son -- my totally unplanned and (honestly) unwanted third child -- and I am amazed by how much I love him. I love him just as much as his older brother and sister, who were so desperately longed for. I don't feel much guilt over how I felt when I was pregnant with him. I think it is a normal reaction to an unplanned pregnancy. I love him NOW, I have been a warm and attentive caregiver from the moment of his birth, and that is what matters. You are obviously already starting to bond with your baby-to-be. You're going to be fine.

I'm so sorry to hear about your back issues. I have totally different back problems, but I can tell you how pregnancy affected my spine. Your mileage, of course, will vary. I have degenerative disc disease and my back is a mess. I had a disc herniate during my pregnancy with my first baby, then rupture completely not long after she was born. I had to have surgery while she was a still a newborn. My back was fine during my pregnancy with my second. During my pregnancy with my third a disc herniated during the second trimester. It never did rupture (which is GOOD, I do not want to go through spinal surgery ever again) but I have some nerve damage from cord compression.

Do you have access to physical therapy? I think PT can help a LOT with helping your body adjust to the new weight and new distribution of said weight.


Two weeks ago, I would have had no idea how you felt. I have a son that was very much wanted and planned for - and I love him more than life itself.

But now.... I just found out I am pg with a baby that I do not want. I was on birth control and we were done having kids. In fact, my Sweetie was scheduled for a vasectomy. The day I took the home pg test and saw that it was positive, my world came crashing down. I never wanted to be pregnant again. I definitely did not want any more kids. Life as I knew it was over.

And I still am not used to the idea of this new baby. I hope for all our sakes that I get it together before s/he arrives though. :(


Oh, the lessons in Universal surprises. I feel your frustration and know your unexpected joy. Those polarities will never cease along the motherhood journey. Think of this a just the beginning. I'm thrilled to be here to share in your ride...

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