C'est la vie

One of those fibro days

When I was diagnosed, I swore myself this wouldn't become a blog about chronic illness and Fibro and poor me I'm sick wahwahwah. But I swear to God, on days like today it's all I can fucking think about. I don't want to let it rule my life but somehow it manages to screw things up on a daily basis.

Today, I told my boss about it. I hadn't done it because I didn't want him to think I was trying to make excuses for stuff that may have gone wrong in the last few months, or that I wanted to be treated differently, or that I wanted him to feel sorry for me or whatever. But sadly, things have gotten so bad that I was forced to tell him, mostly because he needs to know that some days I just don't feel good, that some days the pain won't even let me walk and I'll need to stay home. Stuff that gets in the way of my work and that maybe he didn't know why it was happening. And he was very understanding and supportive and nice, but now I can't help but wonder, did I do the right thing? Because believe me, I could hear the pity in his voice. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know.

Plus, I can't walk straight today. The pain in my back is just too awful. I got a shot of diclofenac and another one of dexamethasone, and 2 hours later the pain isn't even slightly better. I'm at the office right now only because I cannot even walk to the bus.

But enough self-pitying! I haz new stuffz that makes me happy!! I haven't taken any peektures, but I can tell you I have a new Knit Picks Options Interchangeable Needle set!! the nickel plated one, and it' great. I can't wait to start something with it. But I don't think I'm going to until I finish this:

My first pair of socks! Yay!

The Pattern is Los Monos Locos by Jennifer O'Sullivan. It is such a great pattern! Toe-up on 2 circs, just the way I like it. But, since this is my first pair of socks, I decided I was going to do them one at a time. My next pair will hopefully be knit 2 at a time.

Plus, I got lots of pretty stuffz in the mail yesterday: The Opinionated Knitter, Knitting circles Around Socks, 2 skeins of STR and a whole lot of other things! I might be able to photograph them tomorrow so I can post some peektures. :)

And well, that's it for today, I hope. Or maybe when I get home the mailman will have brought me some more stuffz, right?

Rollercoaster

This last week has been... weird. I really don't know where to start.

I had some labs done, because I really wanted to know what is wrong with me. I'm in pain 24/7, and it's not just my back: it's become generalized, chronic pain. And I've been feeling weird, emotionally. So I went to the doctor, to get the lab results, and lo and behold, it seems I have Fibromyalgia. She gave me a reference to a physiatrist, and a prescription for some antidepressants which, of course, made me even more depressed because I never thought I'd have to take drugs to not feel depressed. Oh, and did I mention I don't make much sense lately?

So yeah, I was pretty bummed out. But there has been some stuff that's picked me up a little.

(Sorry for the disgusting pics, but crappy photographer + crappy camera=ew).



Smooshy! Yum!

STR in Oma Desala



STR in Kaw Kaw

So yes, I've been busy pettin' some pretty yarnz, makin' some Micro Monkeys for Camila out of a skein of TOFUtsies I got in a swap, and also, not spinning any usable yarn, as you can see:

Yup, I suck at spinning. But, so help me God, I'll learn. And in the meantime, it helps me get distracted from the suckiness goin' on right now.

Weekend Update

(This is just so like me. Posting a Weekend Update on a Tuesday afternoon. Yup, that's how much I suck. And now, back to our regular programming).

Oh, Internetweb Peoples!! You wouldn't believe how happy it makes me to say (er... write) this: I declare potty training finished!! Camila is now consistently peeing and pooping in her potty, Thank You Very Much. So I guess the nightmare is pretty much over. Plus, now I get to brag about having taught at least one thing to my daughter. So yay!

Also, I met the nicest person on a Ravelry swap group: her username is antoneta, and she has ever so kindly offered to send me sock yarn (squeeee!!!) in exchange for some souvenirs from Costa Rica and a knitting-related surprise. I'll post pics of the pack I'm putting together for her as soon as I send it out so that I don't spoil the surprise in case she reads this post. :) Also, did I tell you guys I'm in love with ravelry? I've seen so many gorgeous things I want to knit, and so many interesting groups. Right now I'm getting some stuff ready to enter some swaps. Momma wants to learn how to spin!!

I owe you soooo many pics, but I swear I'll post some soon. Even I'm starting to feel bored after looking at all these word and abso-fucking-lutely. no. pictures.

It's the little victories

I just want to say one thing: Potty training was invented by Satan. That's it.

Okay, that's not really it. But that's more or less what I've been feeling this weekend.I guess I could say I have a love-hate relationship with the potty.

For the past 3 days, I've been struggling with getting my daughter to ditch the diapers. And for the first two, it's been hell. I tell you, I've been dangerously close to leaving her with my mom and running out screaming. And guess what? That makes me feel like the crappiest. mom. ever. Ever. I keep wondering if every mom in the world has gone through the tantrums, the crying, the cleaning pee and poop from the floor 8 times a day; and wondering how other moms get through this without wanting to kill themselves. (I like to overreact a little. Can you tell?).

And then today it's been just me and her. My mom and sister had to go look after my grandma for the weekend, Michael had to work, and my dad and my brother... Well, they don't help much in this case. So we've been all alone for the bigger part of today, and I guess we haven't been as stressed out. My mom, bless her heart, helps me out so much you wouldn't believe it. But she also adds some stress to the equation. We don't always see eye to eye regarding Camila's education and care. And, since she's the one Camila spends more time with, I some times feel obligated to do things her way. I know, I know, I should stand up for what I think is best for my daughter, right? The problem is, most of the time (like 90% of the time) I feel like I have no idea what's best for Camila and my mom's right and I'm wrong and I'm a bad mother and I don't spend enough time with my daughter because I have to work and wahwahwahwah. But today, we did it. Okay, I had to wipe pee from the floor a couple of times, but we spent some time all alone and did things calmly, and she finally peed and pooped in her potty. Repeatedly.

So yes, I'm pretty happy. As a WOHM, I feel like I've missed out on a lot of milestones in Camila's life, like her first steps, which I saw thanks to my mom and dad who videotaped it, or her first kiss, which she gave my dad. So I guess you, my dear reader, can understand why this little victory doesn't taste like poop and pee, but tastes pretty great instead.

***

On another note, We're not going to the beach anymore. So my vacations have pretty much gone to hell. After we had agreed on postponing it for a week so we didn't have to take Camila with us. Just my luck, huh?

And on yet another note, I'm knitting a couple of fingerless gloves for a co-worker, which I'm very excited about because it's my first time knitting on two circular needles. I have no pics yet, but I'll post some as soon as I have them.

Off to the beach we go... Right?

I don't know if I told you guys this, but my MIL now lives about 5 hours from where we live. Which, if you live in Costa Rica, means her house is on the beach. So, yay for me, huh? NOT!

The plan was this: on Sept 26th, Michael and I would go to his mom's house (because I haven't been to the beach in over 3 years, so I'm at a point where I don't care if I have to see the ocean from my MIL's window) with a friend whose birthday is on Sept 25th, a friend of Michael's and his girlfriend. And we would leave Camila with my mom because I don't really know if that guy is a good driver or not, so I wasn't going to take her with us. Plus, this guy's car is tiny and there is no room for her carseat. That, and I just wanted to have a relaxing weekend with my husband wehere we could have some drinks and some fun as the newlywed couple we never were. And yes, that makes me feel like a lousy mom. Leaving my child with my mom so I can go to the beach and have fun with my husband? Damn, that does sound bad.

So I tell my mom and she says it's okay, she'll take care of Camila. And then two days later she tells me she has something else to do that weekend, so the baby can't stay with her. And, of course, I get bummed, but at the same time I think "Okay, maybe this isn't so bad. At least I won't feel like the horrible mom who dumps her kid on the grandma and goes off to the beach". And then, when I was finally coming to terms with staying home while Michael went to the beach, my dear husband pulled what I like to call "a Michael", meaning  he came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea: taking Camila with us for the weekend. Now, I was completely and adamantly opposed to that idea. Why? It's a 6 hour bus and ferry ride, because I'm sure as hell not taking my daughter in a car driven by someone who, for all I know, could drive like Goofy on "Motor Mania", and that has no space for a car seat. And, since we don't have a car anymore, we would have no choice but to get there by bus... and ferry.

So when I told Michael I didn't want to take her, we got into a big fight, of course. Because "I don't want his mom to see Camila", and "other people do this kind of thing all the time", and "I'm selfish and don't trust him to take care of the kid" and wahwahwah. And, you know, I've got nothing against him, or even against his mom seeing the baby. She is her grandma after all, despite the fact that I don't like her. But am I willing to submit my daughter to a bus ride that long? If I know her well (which I hope I do) she's not going to be happy about this. Or the heat. Or the bugs.

And then, after the fight with Michael and telling him that no, we are not going, and if he wants to he can go, but Camila and I are staying home, I started to think. Is it so crazy that he wants to take us? Would it be so horrible if we went there by bus with Camila? I mean, yeah, maybe it won't be a breeze, but I think we can handle it. Or should I wait until she's older to go on a trip like this? Am I being overprotective? (Yeah. I already know the answer to that one).

So I guess all I have left to say is Help, Internet Peoples! Give me your almost-always-sound advice! Please?

Guess what? I'm back!

It's been... Almost two years since I've posted here. A lot has happened. My little girl is 20 months old. I have a non-crappy job now. And I finally decided I should start blogging here again for many reasons: Typepad is, so far, the best blogging engine I have used. This is where I used to have a small, but very much appreciated audience. (Hi, internet person! I've missed you! And, of course, you're still thin and beautiful and smell nice. Thanks for coming back!).

So, to give you guys an update of what's been goin' on lately, I'll show you this:

I'm madly in love with her. (I sense a cliché coming. Wait for it...) My life makes no sense when she's not around. (There. You can go look for another blog to read now).

Oh, and I weigh 50,000 lbs. Okay, 180, but that's still fat. So that's something that's changed for the worse since I stopped updating this blog. I haven't been able to lose my baby weight and my belly looks like I have a Sharpei sewn on. But hey, that's the price you pay for having a kid to brag about.

So, anyhoo, I'm back. And I think I'll settle here for the rest of my blogging life, which I hope won't be too short. And if you want to go along for the ride, hold on tight, and just ignore the harrassing thank you emails.

Movin' on

Guess what? In one of my signature --and not always sane, or correct-- spur-of-the-moment decisions, I have decided to move my blog to Wordpress. So yesterday, I exported all my posts and comments, and got started on moving my other blog, which is currently hosted on iblog.com (which sucks, by the way). This one is going to be hard, because I have to do it  from scratch; and of course I have never done that, so I guess I'm screwed.

So a few days from now, when I've finished with the appearance of my blog, I will officially move to http://lillyanka.wordpress.com. Bookmark it! Pretty please? With sugar on top?

EDIT:

My new url is www.lillyanka.com. It's just not ready yet because apparently I'm a huge moron and I can't set up a template correctly. Help!

Guess who's cranky

Raging hormones aside, I'm just not very happy today. And I know exactly what it is: my mother-in-law is coming to visit.

Now, Costa Rica is tiny. Tiiiiiiiiiny. Smaller than most states in the US. We're only 4 million Costa Ricans. So, as you can see, I just can't think of a reason for her to sleep over at my place. MY. PLACE. Where I'm trying to spend time alone with my husband before we have a baby in 3 months. Where we walk around naked and have sex at any time we goddamn want now that my belly isn't humongous yet. Now that we can still sleep the whole night.

We're still newlyweds, my husband and I. We've been married for 4 months. So is it so abnormal for me to want to be alone with him at home, dammit!?

I mean, the trip from my MIL's house to our house takes 1.5 hours by bus, and 20 minutes by cab. So why in all hell does she want to sleep over if she can come by at around lunchtime and leave early in the evening, and still drive me nuts?

Because, of course, she's a walking cliché. She's passive-agressive, and a huge hipocrit. Michael only exists when she needs money, or when it's a) her birthday, b) mother's day, or c) Christmas. She will actually call him and say "This is what you're giving me for (insert special occasion)" and then proceed to ask for stuff or money, hang up the phone, forget about him until it's time to get the present, and then forget about him again until the next special occasion.

And I don't know if that's just me, but I don't think that's the ideal relationship to have with mom. Especially if you live so damn close. I mean, she doesn't even call him on his birthday. I, for one, don't spend one day without calling my mom or something. I know, that might seem a little (ha!) weird too, but we live on the same block and I've been mommy's and daddy's little girl my whole life. I didn't move out of my parents' house until I got married, and even after that my parents complain if I don't come over every day so they can see their daughter and granddaughter.

Of course I don't expect everyone to be that close to their parents. But this thing, this MIL coming to visit just stinks of "I'm coming to get my mother's day present and, while I'm at it, see how she's keeping your house". Because of course, she doesn't work OR study, so she's got all day to clean, iron, cook, do laundry, et cetera. And I don't. But she doesn't give a crap. So as soon as she sets foot at my house she starts doing chores: "This needs to be cleaned", "Looks like you need me to do some laundry", "I better iron some of Michael's clothes". And of course Michael just makes those My-mommy's-so-amazing eyes I cannot stand. And I look like an inefficient slob.

Okay. I guess I just needed to vent. I'll tell you how it goes after she leaves. Which I hope happens soon.

And she hasn't even come yet.

Minti Blog

So Minti.com just did the most beautiful thing ever. I can cross-post!!! (Is that even a word? Does it at least make sense to anyone?) So when I post here, it can also be read at my minti blog, http://lillyanka.minti.com/blog/. So the people over at Minti can read me, and I don't have to come up with more posts, because God knows I have my hands full with this one right here, and I don't even update that much.

So remember, hop on over to Minti and check out all the great advice for parents, from parents.

Updating! Not that anyone cares, or anything.

First of all, Finals. Hate. Woe. Aaaaargghhhh! I need a break from school.

I'm in the last week of this period, so I haven't been able to update, mainly because I've been working less hours so I can study and, guess what? Still no internet at home.

I tell you, I need to get internet at home before I go on maternity leave, or those are going to be the longest 4 months of my life. 4 months. A first-time mom. No internet. A recipe for disaster.

Maybe I shouldn't complain, because here in Costa Rica pregnant women get 4 monts FULLY PAID maternity leave --1 month before giving birth and 3 months after. So that's pretty good, right? The only problem is I KNOW I'm not going to want to go back to work after Camila's here. I'll have to do it, but I sure as hell am not going to like it.

So I wonder how other women have coped with this whole going back to work thing. Because, you see, I'm not surrounded by many moms who work. I have 3 friends --all my age +/- 1 year-- who have children ages 2 months to 3 years old, and none of them work. My mom didn't work when we were little, except for a couple of reeeeally short attempts. So I haven't actually been around a woman who had to go through the process of leaving her child(ren) with someone else to go back to work.

Is there anyone out there who can share some thoughts with me on the subject? I mean, I've still got 4 months of my pregnancy plus the whole maternity leave to go, but the drama queen in me just can't help but get a head start on the thoughts of woe and disaster and DOOM and Idon'twanttoleavemybabysomeonepleasehelpmeohmygod.

See why I'm going to need and internet connection?